Sometimes, we need to invent little games to amuse ourselves, no?
No?
Hello?
I see. So sometimes we need to invent little games to amuse ourselves. I favor word games. This one is a peach:
Take any of the following words and assemble them in 2-word couplings.
Thunder
Tiger
Ninja
Viper
Jet
Fire
No matter how the words are assembled, the resulting phrase says:
"Don't tread on me, pansy. I'll kick your ass. Right after my workout. To the extreme."
But then we add a layer. The word "pussywillow." Softens it up, eh?
Or add an adjective. Any one will do. Put it second in the coupling. Now you're foreign!
Or how about punctuation? Might I suggest an exclamation point or three? OR SIX! Then, adorn the edges of your word with evil rock n' roll lightning bolts. And maybe a pitchfork. Okay, the background should be foreboding, so I'll put some dark clouds in there. Cool. And I don't think an umlaut would seem out of place so I'll ju...
Sorry. As you were.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Surrealestate.
I love houses. Far too much of my free time is spent perusing the real estate section of the newspaper here in Midwestania.
Through personal experience, I have learned that choosing a real estate agent is an important undertaking, one that requires more than a modicum of trust. The agent is a marketer, their product your home. Some agents make for better marketers than others. The very worst make for good reading.
So imagine, if you can, my girlish glee when I stumbled across the below agent description of a gorgeous home in a desirable area. I would buy this house were I in the market, if for no other reason than to meet the author of this tasty prose:
“THE LIVING ROOM IS VERY OPEN THAT LEADS TO THE FORMAL DINING ROOM. THE KITCHEN HAS BEEN UPDATED WITH NICE WOOD CABINETS AND GREAT COUNTER TOPS AND A WONDERFUL VIEW OF THE BACK YARD. THE SECOND STORY FEATURES THREE BEDROOMS AND TWO BATHS ONE OF THE BEDROOMS IS A MASTER SUITE! SWEET!! THE THIRD LEVEL OF THIS GREAT HOME HOUSES A FOURTH BEDROOM OR A KIDS PLAYROOM. SPORTS FANS THIS IS A LOT OF HOUSE FOR THE CHA-CHING!!!DONT DELAY OR SHE WILL BE MAD AT YOU! YOU KNOW WHO I'AM TALKING ABOUT!!”
I don't know who this person is talking about. I want more, though.
Through personal experience, I have learned that choosing a real estate agent is an important undertaking, one that requires more than a modicum of trust. The agent is a marketer, their product your home. Some agents make for better marketers than others. The very worst make for good reading.
So imagine, if you can, my girlish glee when I stumbled across the below agent description of a gorgeous home in a desirable area. I would buy this house were I in the market, if for no other reason than to meet the author of this tasty prose:
“THE LIVING ROOM IS VERY OPEN THAT LEADS TO THE FORMAL DINING ROOM. THE KITCHEN HAS BEEN UPDATED WITH NICE WOOD CABINETS AND GREAT COUNTER TOPS AND A WONDERFUL VIEW OF THE BACK YARD. THE SECOND STORY FEATURES THREE BEDROOMS AND TWO BATHS ONE OF THE BEDROOMS IS A MASTER SUITE! SWEET!! THE THIRD LEVEL OF THIS GREAT HOME HOUSES A FOURTH BEDROOM OR A KIDS PLAYROOM. SPORTS FANS THIS IS A LOT OF HOUSE FOR THE CHA-CHING!!!DONT DELAY OR SHE WILL BE MAD AT YOU! YOU KNOW WHO I'AM TALKING ABOUT!!”
I don't know who this person is talking about. I want more, though.
Hunting For An Answer.
Why is hunting so goddamned funny?
I have no answers, only questions. It can be deduced that perhaps its wanton cruelty strikes a humorous chord, but that's too simple. Is it the camouflage? The "just because we can" sense of mammalian entitlement? The guns? Safety orange? No, no, no and maybe...well, no.
It must be all of them; a delicious mélange of Wrong that goes down smooth with a giggly finish.
Sure, robots are funny. And chimps. And a robotic chimp, well, that's damn near genius. But nothing does it for me like hunting. Not the act of hunting, per se, as I've never done so. No, the act of observing hunting, often second-hand, third-hand or via ESPN2 on Sunday mornings is what gets my goose.
And bow-hunting? Even funnier. I wonder why…
I have no answers, only questions. It can be deduced that perhaps its wanton cruelty strikes a humorous chord, but that's too simple. Is it the camouflage? The "just because we can" sense of mammalian entitlement? The guns? Safety orange? No, no, no and maybe...well, no.
It must be all of them; a delicious mélange of Wrong that goes down smooth with a giggly finish.
Sure, robots are funny. And chimps. And a robotic chimp, well, that's damn near genius. But nothing does it for me like hunting. Not the act of hunting, per se, as I've never done so. No, the act of observing hunting, often second-hand, third-hand or via ESPN2 on Sunday mornings is what gets my goose.
And bow-hunting? Even funnier. I wonder why…
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
My Beautiful Children.
"Whatever shall I name my children?" I often wonder. It's a question that alternately plagues and bemuses me. I have one child, so one down. But my countless progeny - the fruits of all the hot lovin' action to come- what will I name them? Baby name books offer little help. Neither do friends or family. No, the perfect name seems to spring from a little gland just beneath your adam's apple. I forget the name.
This is to say, I'd aim to assemble a list of names that are perfect for everyone, if by "perfect", I mean "inappropriate."
Please send them to me. Mom, please.
This is to say, I'd aim to assemble a list of names that are perfect for everyone, if by "perfect", I mean "inappropriate."
Please send them to me. Mom, please.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The First In A Series.
The Whistling Dixies: Complete Discography
The Whistling Dixies
Their beloved eponymous debut. Six men, six whistling mouths. An exercise in innocent, apple-eyed whistling. Harkened back to the time before instruments, when a man had to make his own soundtrack with what God gave him. A seminal smash hit. Kids everywhere sell their guitars and vow to learn whistling.
Whistle While We Work
The sophomore slump. Uninspired. Deemed “an overreaching, experimental quagmire” by Spin Magazine Whistle Critic Tom Landellier. Still goes platinum. The music scene in inundated with imitators like The Whistle Stop Thistles, Toot Daddy and the ill-fated boy band 2 BAD 2 HUM.
Colonel Tubaphone’s Fantabulous Whatchcamahoosit and Whistlatorium
Their magnum opus. Acted as the soundtrack to a film by the same name. A young William H. Macy was rumored to have auditioned for the role of “Pipper”, Tubatown’s Whistling Bootblack. The role eventually went to Matthew Perry.
John Seymour: A Man And His Trill
During the Whistling Dixie’s chaotic hiatus, reclusive founding Whistler Seymour recorded his first and only solo record. Recorded between historic PCP binges and orgiastic pork steak consumption, the then-300 lb. Seymour records this undecipherable “concept record”.
Heat-Seeking Whistle
A re-formed Whisting Dixies enter their maligned “heavy” phase. Tainted by rumors of drug abuse and Satan-worship. Most Dixies deny it was ever recorded.
The “I Whistle For Thee, Sweet Lucifer” EP
See above. Never released in the states.
Ain’t No Blowhards
Huzzah! A return to form. Critically well-received but largely ignored by the public. The single "Huzzah!" charts well in Italy.
Live At The Pig’s Table
Their only live release. Peppered with dynamic covers, including “Street Fighting Man” and “U Can’t Touch This”, where the WD’s are joined onstage by surprise guest Hammer.
Whistle Down Tonite.
For the romantic, lady-killing lothario in all of us. Truly whistling to make love to your lady by. A failure.
Whistling In Stereo: The Duets
Joined by Carlos Santana, Bono, Bobby McFerrin and posthumously, Nat King Cole, this release charts higher than all the other WD records combined.
The Whistling Dixies
Their beloved eponymous debut. Six men, six whistling mouths. An exercise in innocent, apple-eyed whistling. Harkened back to the time before instruments, when a man had to make his own soundtrack with what God gave him. A seminal smash hit. Kids everywhere sell their guitars and vow to learn whistling.
Whistle While We Work
The sophomore slump. Uninspired. Deemed “an overreaching, experimental quagmire” by Spin Magazine Whistle Critic Tom Landellier. Still goes platinum. The music scene in inundated with imitators like The Whistle Stop Thistles, Toot Daddy and the ill-fated boy band 2 BAD 2 HUM.
Colonel Tubaphone’s Fantabulous Whatchcamahoosit and Whistlatorium
Their magnum opus. Acted as the soundtrack to a film by the same name. A young William H. Macy was rumored to have auditioned for the role of “Pipper”, Tubatown’s Whistling Bootblack. The role eventually went to Matthew Perry.
John Seymour: A Man And His Trill
During the Whistling Dixie’s chaotic hiatus, reclusive founding Whistler Seymour recorded his first and only solo record. Recorded between historic PCP binges and orgiastic pork steak consumption, the then-300 lb. Seymour records this undecipherable “concept record”.
Heat-Seeking Whistle
A re-formed Whisting Dixies enter their maligned “heavy” phase. Tainted by rumors of drug abuse and Satan-worship. Most Dixies deny it was ever recorded.
The “I Whistle For Thee, Sweet Lucifer” EP
See above. Never released in the states.
Ain’t No Blowhards
Huzzah! A return to form. Critically well-received but largely ignored by the public. The single "Huzzah!" charts well in Italy.
Live At The Pig’s Table
Their only live release. Peppered with dynamic covers, including “Street Fighting Man” and “U Can’t Touch This”, where the WD’s are joined onstage by surprise guest Hammer.
Whistle Down Tonite.
For the romantic, lady-killing lothario in all of us. Truly whistling to make love to your lady by. A failure.
Whistling In Stereo: The Duets
Joined by Carlos Santana, Bono, Bobby McFerrin and posthumously, Nat King Cole, this release charts higher than all the other WD records combined.
What's next for Penticton, British Columbia's favorite sons? Only the fickle public's waning fascination with whistling can say.
Monday, October 24, 2005
The Weather.
Let's discuss the weather, shall we?
It's getting colder here in the "Methbasket Of America" and winter is just around the corner. It makes a man want to think about the holiday season. This applies to me as well. With that in mind, I present a holly-jolly holiday piece written last year.
HOLIDAY DISHES INSPIRED BY TURDUCKEN WITH SERVING SUGGESTIONS.
PHESARUAB
A tender young squab stuffed inside a juicy partridge, then placed within a mouth-watering pheasant. Serving suggestion: Place a hat on the pheasant. Call it “The Grand Duke”.
TURX! XTREME TURKEY
A wild turkey crammed into an even wilder turkey, slammed full of pop rocks and Mountain Dew. Serving suggestion: Shout constantly. Wear snowboarding goggles.
TURDUCKHAM
A luscious chicken inserted into a fat duck, then placed inside a roasted pig. Note: The pig should be chewing spearmint gum. For flavor. Serving suggestion: Bring a pack of spearmint gum to the table post-meal. Say something like, “Hey! Who stole a piece of my gum?” Act surprised to find it in the pig’s mouth.
NAUGHTY CURSTACHAFF
A churlish little chiff-chaff smoked and inserted into a delectable starling, then slotted into the cavity of a naughty, naughty curlew. Serving suggestion: Spank the bird before carving.
EMLINBOB
18 fresh young bobwhites inserted into the respective cavities of 6 succulent francolins, then lovingly placed inside an emu. Serving suggestion: Obscure the emu’s adorable face. That just makes things easier.
RUSSIAN NESTING PIGS
Just like those Russian nesting dolls, but replace “dolls” with “pigs” and “Russian” with “roasted”. Serving suggestion: Everyone loves those furry Russian hats.
This.
The Depository sheepishly presents This, a piece from last year. A piece of what, you ask? Peanut brittle. Now go eat it.
The City Project
BUILD YOUR BUSINESS, REPUTATION AND BRAND AWARENESS
You are invited to build all these things and more, by building upon one of the most innovative corporate sponsorship opportunities in America -- The City Project. There has never been a more opportune time to give your corporation unparalleled access to city denizens, the coveted suburban demographic, local and national media and the hottest names in populous areas.
This is a rare prospect. We encourage you to peruse the success stories delineated below and join the City Project. Realize the full potential of your business. Build on the best.
INDYCRANAPPLEIS
Ocean Spray came to the City Project with a conundrum. How do we reach Middle America's thirsty masses? The answer was nestled only 200 miles from Chicago and 220 miles from St. Loubriderm. A burgeoning metropolis of over 2 million, the former Indianapolis now serves as conclusive proof that everything can be combined with cranberries to tasty effect.
ST. LOUBRIDERM
This hardened post-industrial husk of a city became a bastion of supple creaminess thanks to a partnership with Lubriderm. Though still riddled with violent crime, even the harshest assaults of the former St. Louis now boast a "softer" touch.
BOCA BURGER'S NEW BUFFALO
In terms of American gastronomy, the "new buffalo" is beef. The new beef? Boca Burger, of course. This convenient two-step logic helped transform the former New Buffalo, Michigan, a sleepy burg of 2,000 located at the mouth of the Galien River, into a tasty representation of shifting dietary preferences, located, we hope, at the mouth of America.
LAS VEGAS! PRESENTS: LAS VEGAS
Combining the inherent glitz, sparkle and tourist appeal of actual Las Vegas with the Las Vegas Tourism Commission's desire to market the inherent glitz, sparkle and tourist appeal of actual Las Vegas was a masterstroke. Now the inherent glitz, sparkle and tourist appeal of actual Las Vegas is as well represented as ever across a variety of mediums, thanks to the Las Vegas Tourism Commission.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT TUCSON
Once known as Tucson, Arizona, this sun-dappled metropolis was a natural fit for popular margarine brand I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. I Can't Believe It's Not Tucson represents what we at the City Project call "an organic amalgamation" between brand and locale. The parallels between the two are too numerous and apparent to list here. The solitary discernible difference between the product and its marketing partner? Tucson actually is Tucson. Believe it!
Please note that the examples above represent merely the tip of the proverbial skyscraper. The City Project is currently pursuing partnerships with numerous west coast locales, looking into entire states available for sponsorship and even investigating properties on an international level. So be it in Tanzania or in Tanzania, Ohio, build the future of your business by building on the best: The City Project.
The City Project
BUILD YOUR BUSINESS, REPUTATION AND BRAND AWARENESS
You are invited to build all these things and more, by building upon one of the most innovative corporate sponsorship opportunities in America -- The City Project. There has never been a more opportune time to give your corporation unparalleled access to city denizens, the coveted suburban demographic, local and national media and the hottest names in populous areas.
This is a rare prospect. We encourage you to peruse the success stories delineated below and join the City Project. Realize the full potential of your business. Build on the best.
INDYCRANAPPLEIS
Ocean Spray came to the City Project with a conundrum. How do we reach Middle America's thirsty masses? The answer was nestled only 200 miles from Chicago and 220 miles from St. Loubriderm. A burgeoning metropolis of over 2 million, the former Indianapolis now serves as conclusive proof that everything can be combined with cranberries to tasty effect.
ST. LOUBRIDERM
This hardened post-industrial husk of a city became a bastion of supple creaminess thanks to a partnership with Lubriderm. Though still riddled with violent crime, even the harshest assaults of the former St. Louis now boast a "softer" touch.
BOCA BURGER'S NEW BUFFALO
In terms of American gastronomy, the "new buffalo" is beef. The new beef? Boca Burger, of course. This convenient two-step logic helped transform the former New Buffalo, Michigan, a sleepy burg of 2,000 located at the mouth of the Galien River, into a tasty representation of shifting dietary preferences, located, we hope, at the mouth of America.
LAS VEGAS! PRESENTS: LAS VEGAS
Combining the inherent glitz, sparkle and tourist appeal of actual Las Vegas with the Las Vegas Tourism Commission's desire to market the inherent glitz, sparkle and tourist appeal of actual Las Vegas was a masterstroke. Now the inherent glitz, sparkle and tourist appeal of actual Las Vegas is as well represented as ever across a variety of mediums, thanks to the Las Vegas Tourism Commission.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT TUCSON
Once known as Tucson, Arizona, this sun-dappled metropolis was a natural fit for popular margarine brand I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. I Can't Believe It's Not Tucson represents what we at the City Project call "an organic amalgamation" between brand and locale. The parallels between the two are too numerous and apparent to list here. The solitary discernible difference between the product and its marketing partner? Tucson actually is Tucson. Believe it!
Please note that the examples above represent merely the tip of the proverbial skyscraper. The City Project is currently pursuing partnerships with numerous west coast locales, looking into entire states available for sponsorship and even investigating properties on an international level. So be it in Tanzania or in Tanzania, Ohio, build the future of your business by building on the best: The City Project.
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