Home For Sale.

FOR SALE:
An A-frame, 2 bedroom, 1 bath home situated on a small block opposite other houses, this home is decidedly unremarkable. If anything, it will underwhelm you, perhaps even leaving you feeling vaguely tired and/or disenfranchised. You may begin to question the true purpose of your existence on this mortal coil, contemplate ending it all, or even look upon others with barely suppressed homicidal urges.

But that’s just the house. Around back, a wonderful, magical fairyland of salted, cured fantabulousness awaits.

The house has no garage. No shed. No parking pad, overhang or car port. What does this house have that is so unique I must buy it now despite the aforementioned urges to kill others it may (probably) evoke, you ask? Well shut up, because I’m just building drama here. No, seriously. Feel it?

This house, my house, has a jerky shack.

Jerky is a nutrient-dense, convenient and shelf-stable meat product that has grown in popularity world wide. Derived from the Spanish word "charqui," which describes dried meat strips, jerky may be produced using a combination of curing, smoking and drying procedures.
Traditionally jerky was made by the use of sun, wind, and smoke from fires as a way to preserve and extend the shelf-life of meat. American Indians mixed berries or suet with the pounded dried meat to make pemmican.

Me? I just dry it out in my goddamned jerky shack.

And so could you. Make jerky, I mean. If you buy the house. When I've left. Because I do it alone. Sometimes without even leaving my house.

My wife insists there is no jerky shack; that it's a figment of my imagination. I think she's wrong. Look in my yard, between the two trees.

If you see a jerky shack, this is the house for you.

Things We Need, Vol. I

Perhaps you have many things. Perhaps, in your mind's eye, you have too many things. You want to simplify your life. Cull down your things. Reduce the total number of things hovering around the fringes of your daily existence.

Perhaps you think these things. If so, you are a complete jackass.

We all need more things, thousands of them, things we haven’t even thought of, things that don’t even have a specific utility or purpose, things that cannot even yet be referred to as things.

Things don’t need to fill a need. They’re things, jackass! And we need more of them.


Things We Need - Volume I:

WOLFIE©

Moms and dads agree, even the best-behaved children don’t listen to their parents sometimes.

Take out the trash?
Go to bed?
Take a bath?

Those sound familiar? Of course they do.

So what do you do when a good kid goes naughty? You’ve tried grounding, spanking, even the occasional low-voltage electric shock but nothing seems to work!

That’s where your new best friend for life WOLFIE comes in. WOLFIE is the very latest in faux-werewolf lycanthropic costuming technology. In mere minutes, you can transform yourself into a horrific, bloodcurdling werewolf! With WOLFIE’s razor-sharp adhesive claws, EZ-Stik© facial fur and realistic mouth froth, those kids are sure to listen like the dickens.

Maybe Junior and Sissy won’t listen to you, but when WOLFIE’s on watch, you can sit back, relax and let his deeply terrifying features do the disciplining for you. Watch as the kids sweep, dust, vacuum…even mop up fresh tears and urine!

Best of all, WOLFIE comes to you from the makers of trusted, time-tested Parenting Aids SLEEPYMOM© Laudanum Drops, ADORABLE BASTARD© Olde Fashioned Balm and world-famous DAD NEEDS PRIVACY!© Spray.

WOLFIE will make you wonder HOOOOWWWWWWWWW you ever parented without it!