Pg. 77 OF THE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

RECOURSE TO BAD EVALUATIONS AND/OR LOW RAISES

If you receive a bad evaluation and/or a low raise, there are several things you can do. It is important that you register your lack of agreement by doing the following:

1. Request a detailed, written exposition of your shortcomings from your evaluator. Use big and/or confusing words, as these will make you appear smart. Remember, though, you are dumb, thus the requested recourse.
2. Respond in writing to these statements and request that your response be attached to your evaluation, or respond in writing on the written evaluation. We would expound upon the nuances of writing a written request for a response in writing on the written evaluation, but remember, you’re dumb (see #1).
3. Submit a photograph or digital file of yourself desecrating the evaluation in the most degenerate fashion imaginable. EX: Mike Fake (name changed) dressed up like Beelzebub, Lord of the Nether Regions and extracted the evaluation from his rectum, where he had been “muling” it for several days. Mr. Fake’s colleague (Dr. Hickorypants) then took a photo and sent it to his evaluator. Then they kissed for what seemed like days.
4. Request a clear, written statement of how you can improve your performance (this is required by Company regulation) from the viewpoint of your evaluator. Look upon your stupidity through his/her eyes. This may require a method approach, wherein you assume the persona of the evaluator for a few days.
5. Request a clear, written statement of where you stand with respect to the other people rated along with you (i.e., where do you rank with respect to your peers). The answer should include a clear determination of where you are ranked by evaluation (performance), where you are ranked by absolute value of your salary, and where you are ranked by percentage increase in salary (i.e., your raise). Do it like those NCAA brackets. Those are fun as hell.

All of the above actions seek to document what has been done to you, who has done it and why what has been done is a "miscarriage" of good management and supervision. If you have trouble obtaining this information, or wish to request a Company-issued “touching doll” to aid in illustrating the “bad touches” it is advisable to make the request(s) in writing. Remember! You have a Company-defined right to know how you are evaluated with respect to your fellow employees. A "pat on the back" and saying "good work" or even “Mmmmn, firm haunches, stallion” does not equal a good evaluation. Your position with respect to your peers in age, education, and number of horns on your magic Justice Helmet is all that matters.

P. 49 OF THE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

Bereavement leave should only be used for immediate family only: parent, grandparent, spouse, domestic partner, sibling or child. Don’t even waste our time with pets, high school coaches, family friends, inspirational figures, neighbors, acquaintances, mentors, surrogate parents, “best buddies”, etc. If any of the aforementioned expires, we recommend you try not to be such a big pussy and get your ass to work.

The Employee wishing to take time off to grieve for a deceased loved one must prove, in writing, that the deceased is/was someone you truly love (Proof Of Love). If you merely “liked” the departed, feel you “should really go to the funeral”, or wish to “be there for people I care about” you will be charged for time off and ridiculed. Proof Of Love may be verified by submitting a minimum of THREE of the following, signed, dated and stamped by a Notary Public:

- A Valentine’s Day card from the Departed featuring: A puppy (or puppies), a talking heart OR an adorable, fluffy duckling (talking ducklings count as two…we love those little scamps)
- A photo of you and the Deceased kissing WITH TONGUE and/or HEAVY PETTING
- A lock of the Deceased’s hair (if that lock is in a locket, it counts as two)
- A hand-written note from the Deceased, granting you permission to attend their funeral
- A CD and or .mp3 containing a song the Deceased wrote FOR YOU. Lyrical abstractions do not apply. Don’t give us any of that “the wounded bird symbolizes my soul” horseshit. Example: If your name is Henry Smith, the song’s chorus MUST go “Henry Smith, Henry Smith, I La La Love You Henry Smith”, etc. 24-track studio recordings only, please.

Upon receipt of the THREE Proof Of Love documents, the Grande Imperial Council will meet in The Hague and deliberate for the standard 14 days, to be followed by a period of additional deliberation that may, per The Handbook, extend up to an additional 90 days (or three Lunar Months per the Druidic calendar). At that time, Council Members will flip a coin. Heads, you can go and “grieve” or whatever you people do when not working. Tails, you die by hanging. Please consult pg. 77 for hanging regulations.

The College Music Charts

The Top 10 Fictive Albums at America's Favorite Non-Existent University.

Sleep Missive - Cordelia Roberson
The fragile twang of Ms. Roberson paints vivid portraits of the Antebellum South.

A Right Proper Breakfast - The Rapid Rise Of Digby Tiller
Anglophiles, take note. The Sultans Of Twee return with their sixth effort.

MXUSC, VOL. A - VVM(22)
The electronic dreamscapes of UK bedroom composer Timothy Pile, aka VVM (22).

Quarters - The Merchants
Colorado's pub-rock saviors turn things up a notch and throw the thinking-man's kegger.

Agony Of Pleasure - Heartwheel
More over-the-top emotive rock from Canton, OH's favorite sons.

When You Do It Like This You're Doing It Wrong - Knee People
Dense, challenging no-wave nonsense of the highest order.

Mother Superior - Lug
Another slab of harder-than-thou Stoner Rock that bows at the altar of Sabbath.

The Frame And The Foam - Mike Hammerschmidt
Hammerschmidt's gentle debut whispers sweet nothings into the ear of Indie.

Martina Pip - Martina Pip
This isn't your Father's angry young songstress. Wait...yes it is. Seminal folk from a living legend.

Timmering - The Porpoise And The Hare
Beamed from another galaxy to your cerebellum. Inspired tomfoolery.

Falling Asleep

An oft-used phrase, this “falling asleep.” It strikes me just how apt a description it is.
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I’m glad we had this talk.

A Taste Of Tomorrow, Today.

The buzzword for 2006? Innovationality.

I therefore posit my most innovationalistic concept at the forefront of this New Year. A bit of back-story: Recently, the Missus and I were dining on Sushi in the Breadbasket of America. It was then that it dawned on us. This act, the act of consuming sushi, was nothing short of Pinko. We were eating crow. Not literally (though crows are good eatin'), but we definitely felt that a need existed. A need we could fill. A need we must fill. When I dabbed at my mouth, I felt as if I were doing so with a burning flag. We needed to Americanize this "sushi" stuff.

Ladies and Gentlemen, with the assistance of my partner in matrimony, I give you Sooshi!©

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Sushi. Yuppies love it. But let's face it, fellow Americans. Raw fish is disgusting! Not to mention it's probably foreign. Why nosh on something devised by flinty-eyed foreigners in shady corners of the globe? Why not allow the average, red-white and true-blue American to eat something he can be proud of? I tell you what, if you eat sushi, then the terrorists and yuppies have won. Sooshi!© is how we're gonna git-er-done and beat the commies at their own game. Chew on this, Osama!
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Sooshi!©

"Sushi From America's Heartland"

-MENU-

ROLLS (Food rolled into a log and cut up like a nightcrawler)


THE BASSMASTER ROLL
Largemouth bass, Smallmouth bass, Tadpole

THE PICNIC ROLL
Corn dog, Creamy potato salad, Pork n' beans

THE TAILGATE ROLL
Slim Jim, Footlong, 9 beers

THE SPORTSMAN
Deer, Crappie, Elk jerky

THE "RONI" ROLL
Beefaroni, Rice-a-roni, bologna

THE "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN" ROLL
Red lil' smokies, White mayo, Blue raspberry Faygo

THE W.W.F. ROLL
Whitetail deer, Walleye, Fritos, served in an American flag bandana

THE CAMARO
Chef's choice

THE RAINBOW ROLL
Rainbow trout, marshmallow fluff, hot fries

THE NASCAR ROLL
Nachos, Applejacks, Slaw, Coon, Ranch dressing

THE "GIT 'ER DONE" ROLL
Mac n' cheese, Ham salad, Crystal meth

THE "BIG N' RICH" ROLL (recommended!)
Fish sticks, Ho-hos, Bacos, 3-bean salad, Flamin' Hot Cheetos, Corn Nuts, Pop Tarts, Country gravy, 3 scoops of Chubby Hubby, topped with sparklers

Bon Appetit. Or as we say in my country "chow down, pilgrim"

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