Pg. 77 OF THE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

RECOURSE TO BAD EVALUATIONS AND/OR LOW RAISES

If you receive a bad evaluation and/or a low raise, there are several things you can do. It is important that you register your lack of agreement by doing the following:

1. Request a detailed, written exposition of your shortcomings from your evaluator. Use big and/or confusing words, as these will make you appear smart. Remember, though, you are dumb, thus the requested recourse.
2. Respond in writing to these statements and request that your response be attached to your evaluation, or respond in writing on the written evaluation. We would expound upon the nuances of writing a written request for a response in writing on the written evaluation, but remember, you’re dumb (see #1).
3. Submit a photograph or digital file of yourself desecrating the evaluation in the most degenerate fashion imaginable. EX: Mike Fake (name changed) dressed up like Beelzebub, Lord of the Nether Regions and extracted the evaluation from his rectum, where he had been “muling” it for several days. Mr. Fake’s colleague (Dr. Hickorypants) then took a photo and sent it to his evaluator. Then they kissed for what seemed like days.
4. Request a clear, written statement of how you can improve your performance (this is required by Company regulation) from the viewpoint of your evaluator. Look upon your stupidity through his/her eyes. This may require a method approach, wherein you assume the persona of the evaluator for a few days.
5. Request a clear, written statement of where you stand with respect to the other people rated along with you (i.e., where do you rank with respect to your peers). The answer should include a clear determination of where you are ranked by evaluation (performance), where you are ranked by absolute value of your salary, and where you are ranked by percentage increase in salary (i.e., your raise). Do it like those NCAA brackets. Those are fun as hell.

All of the above actions seek to document what has been done to you, who has done it and why what has been done is a "miscarriage" of good management and supervision. If you have trouble obtaining this information, or wish to request a Company-issued “touching doll” to aid in illustrating the “bad touches” it is advisable to make the request(s) in writing. Remember! You have a Company-defined right to know how you are evaluated with respect to your fellow employees. A "pat on the back" and saying "good work" or even “Mmmmn, firm haunches, stallion” does not equal a good evaluation. Your position with respect to your peers in age, education, and number of horns on your magic Justice Helmet is all that matters.