Most Popular: Allah
Best Eyes: Osiris
Best Dressed: Adonis
Most Athletic: Vishnu
Most Flirtatious: TIE Eros and Thor
Best Hair: Krishna
Class Clown: Huitzilopochtli
Most Likely To Succeed: Ganesha
Best Abs: Jesus
Friday, November 18, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Extreme Makeover Word Edition Vol. I
Brainstorming.
Let's face it, the term "brainstorming" is stale. It smells like so much fetid smelt. It is overused, overexposed and, well, over. Brainstorming needs an overhaul, a reintroduction into the American lexicon, a coming-out party to trumpet its rebirth. I took her down to the studs. I've gussied it up with some pancake, a string of pearls, new stainless appliances and, yes, a series of new names. Thusly, Volume I:
WITSQUALLING
Salty. Sea-bitten. Pirate-y. Thar she blows.
THINKBOXING
Vaguely sporty, like that Spice Girl who wore track pants.
RATIOCINATIONIZING
Rolls off the tongue like a mouthful of rice pudding.
BRAIN-NADO
A new brain-and-tomato-flavored beverage from the minds behind Clamato? A convenience-store's slushie version of an electrolyte-rich energy drink? The favorite move of intelligent Extreme-Fighting Champion Chuck "The Genius" Pullio? No, no and no.
HEADWORKING
Ew.
BISCUIT NOR'WESTERING
Chowdery.
THINTANKERIN'
This is what that geriatric hillbilly bellowed before he kicked down the conference room door and gave all your asses a country whoopin'. You though for a second it was Connie coming down the hall with lunch for the Team, but you were sorely mistaken. After all, she ordered like 45 minutes ago. A turkey club, hold the mayo and some of those salt-n-vinegar chips would sure have hit the spot after 3 straight hours of ideation on the Morris Project. And when the company pays, lunch tastes all the sweeter, "sweeter" being an odd description for a meal that is, by all accounts, salty.
But no. Ass whoopin'.
CEREBLOWING
Eerily accurate.
GRAYGALING
The noise those small, inconsequential birds make just before dawn? No.
BELFRYBOILING
Quaint. Yet crass. Like an adorable grandmother in a soda commercial.
WIGSPEWING
They opened up for Hatebreed. Bassist used to be in Breaking Benjamin. You know that song they play on The Ace (WACE)? I think it's called "You Beat Me Down" or "Bring Me Down" or "You Let Me Down"...something with "down"...no, not the one with the rapping. That's the band with the mean clowns. No, they have, like, frowns painted on instead of smiles and wear brass knuckles and they swear a lot. No, not on The Ace. That's profanity-free broadcasting. They won't even play songs that say "dang" without bleeping it because that's like the Southern version of "damn"...
Yeah, Wigspewing sucks.
CONCLUSION:
I suppose that, in hindsight, "brainstorming" isn't so bad...
No. It's bad.
Let's face it, the term "brainstorming" is stale. It smells like so much fetid smelt. It is overused, overexposed and, well, over. Brainstorming needs an overhaul, a reintroduction into the American lexicon, a coming-out party to trumpet its rebirth. I took her down to the studs. I've gussied it up with some pancake, a string of pearls, new stainless appliances and, yes, a series of new names. Thusly, Volume I:
WITSQUALLING
Salty. Sea-bitten. Pirate-y. Thar she blows.
THINKBOXING
Vaguely sporty, like that Spice Girl who wore track pants.
RATIOCINATIONIZING
Rolls off the tongue like a mouthful of rice pudding.
BRAIN-NADO
A new brain-and-tomato-flavored beverage from the minds behind Clamato? A convenience-store's slushie version of an electrolyte-rich energy drink? The favorite move of intelligent Extreme-Fighting Champion Chuck "The Genius" Pullio? No, no and no.
HEADWORKING
Ew.
BISCUIT NOR'WESTERING
Chowdery.
THINTANKERIN'
This is what that geriatric hillbilly bellowed before he kicked down the conference room door and gave all your asses a country whoopin'. You though for a second it was Connie coming down the hall with lunch for the Team, but you were sorely mistaken. After all, she ordered like 45 minutes ago. A turkey club, hold the mayo and some of those salt-n-vinegar chips would sure have hit the spot after 3 straight hours of ideation on the Morris Project. And when the company pays, lunch tastes all the sweeter, "sweeter" being an odd description for a meal that is, by all accounts, salty.
But no. Ass whoopin'.
CEREBLOWING
Eerily accurate.
GRAYGALING
The noise those small, inconsequential birds make just before dawn? No.
BELFRYBOILING
Quaint. Yet crass. Like an adorable grandmother in a soda commercial.
WIGSPEWING
They opened up for Hatebreed. Bassist used to be in Breaking Benjamin. You know that song they play on The Ace (WACE)? I think it's called "You Beat Me Down" or "Bring Me Down" or "You Let Me Down"...something with "down"...no, not the one with the rapping. That's the band with the mean clowns. No, they have, like, frowns painted on instead of smiles and wear brass knuckles and they swear a lot. No, not on The Ace. That's profanity-free broadcasting. They won't even play songs that say "dang" without bleeping it because that's like the Southern version of "damn"...
Yeah, Wigspewing sucks.
CONCLUSION:
I suppose that, in hindsight, "brainstorming" isn't so bad...
No. It's bad.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Tracklisting Of The Subconscious: The Charity EP
1) Do They Know It's Christmas, Because My Inlaws Sometimes Forget
2) We Are The World, In The Sense That Our World Is The Only World We Know, In Actuality
3) Feed The Children (Mine)
4) Change The World (To Be More Like I Want It)
5) Hope Is In The Air (As Well As Waffles...Who's Cooking Waffles?)
6) Gimme The Goddamn Waffles (Feat. Chuck D)
2) We Are The World, In The Sense That Our World Is The Only World We Know, In Actuality
3) Feed The Children (Mine)
4) Change The World (To Be More Like I Want It)
5) Hope Is In The Air (As Well As Waffles...Who's Cooking Waffles?)
6) Gimme The Goddamn Waffles (Feat. Chuck D)
Friday, November 04, 2005
Opening And/Or Closing Sentences Of Imaginary Novels I Wish Were Real.
I was driving my dirigible to the office when I noticed the mushrooms were wearing off.
The pterodactyl and I still have our petty disagreements, but we remain very much in love.
The last thing I remember seeing was the bushy salt-and-pepper thatch adorning Dan Rather's chest.
Tad was easily the smartest squirrel in the Navy on that fine day.
Great electric lights!
Sure, the monkey could hardly drive after all that tequila, but the beautiful sunset more than made up for the swerving, the odor, and the incessant "cheep cheep" sounds.
The pterodactyl and I still have our petty disagreements, but we remain very much in love.
The last thing I remember seeing was the bushy salt-and-pepper thatch adorning Dan Rather's chest.
Tad was easily the smartest squirrel in the Navy on that fine day.
Great electric lights!
Sure, the monkey could hardly drive after all that tequila, but the beautiful sunset more than made up for the swerving, the odor, and the incessant "cheep cheep" sounds.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Inside The Song: The First 25 Of Jay-Z's 99 Problems, In No Particular Order.
NOTE: A bitch is not one.
1. Inventing new ways to spend his vast fortune
2. Hay fever
3. Nets' C Nenad Krstic's free-throw shooting
4. Sampling laws
5. That beeping noise and finding out where it's coming from. You hear that? What is it?
6. Getting enough Vitamin D
7. World Hunger
8. Spam
9. Yappy little dogs
10. Inflation
11. Racism
12. Those Subway commercials and that annoying Jared guy. Are those still on the air?
13. Lawyers
14. Pollution
15. The inability to find a good eating apple in his neighborhood.
16. The Jedi Council Forums song parody "99 Problems But A Sith Ain't One"
17. His 3:25 meeting with the vodka guy
18. Jason Kidd's sore left leg
19. The pig character from the "Chicken Little" trailers
20. Taxes
21. Dental plaque
22. MTV's vision of just what constitutes "offensive" content
23. That Nas guy and his dissin' ways
24. The deodorant he's using burns and itches after a few hours and for 80 bucks, you'd think that little design flaw would be hammered out. Smells pretty good, though.
25. The Ascot Dilemma: Can he pull one off?
The answer to Problem 25, of course, is yes, he can pull it off.
Tracklisting Of The Subconscious- The EP
1) I Can't Do It Well (Album Version)
2) I Am The Champion Of This World And Perhaps Other Worlds, Too
3) Let's Move (The Hurry Hurry Song)
4) I'm A Fraud
5) It's Gotta Be, I Know It Is (A Tumor)
6) I Can't Do It Well (DJ Clue remix)
Coming Soon: Selections From The Bookshelves Of The Subconscious
2) I Am The Champion Of This World And Perhaps Other Worlds, Too
3) Let's Move (The Hurry Hurry Song)
4) I'm A Fraud
5) It's Gotta Be, I Know It Is (A Tumor)
6) I Can't Do It Well (DJ Clue remix)
Coming Soon: Selections From The Bookshelves Of The Subconscious
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
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