My Good Friend Andrew Finley.

Today is the birthday of My Good Friend Andrew Finley.

Occasions such as this cause me to peer through the hourglass, if just for a moment, to reflect on the times Andrew Finley and I have shared. There have been many of them. I only remember a few, however. This is likely due to the aforementioned hourglass, which is not optimal for time-looking.

In aught-eight I first happened upon Andrew in Kalaallit Nunaat, (Greenland) where I was in the employ of prominent local herpetologist Dr. Nuuk Yothers. My day often began at the crack of dawn, which in the land of continual daylight, was essentially any time I pleased. Sunny day after sunny night I would scurry across the glacial swells in search of the elusive Mexican Burrowing Ice Snake, Loxocemus bicolor- a rare, perhaps even fictional reptile that neither burrowed, nor originated from Mexico. Dr. Yothers viewed this snake as an essential player in the realization of his dream: An all-snake revue, featuring minstrelsy, burlesque, and an abbreviated performance of Oh, Calcutta by the androgynous Mexican Burrowing Ice Snake him/herself.

After several years of fruitless glacier-scampering, I became a bit disillusioned. I was becoming bored. I volunteered for the Qasigiannguit Fire Department, the only one in my region, as a way to meet people and contribute to the common good. Fires were alarmingly frequent, and I made fast company of the rag-tag scamps in our hook-and-ladder company. Evenings were often spent halibut fishing, shrimping or sitting around a giant snowball, pondering what we considered the best and worst sled-dog names. What lively banter filled those sunny nights!

On one of our snowball-sitting evenings, I heard news that a lodestar from The Warm Flat Place (Kentucky, I think) was arriving in port that very evening, and in his company he possessed none other than the storied snake I so desperately used-to-somewhat-want-to-possess! I hastily tied out the dogs, set up the wall tent, gathered wood, made an outside cooking fire to melt water, procured some fine melting-ice, set up the woodstove inside my wall tent, started dinner, set up my tarp, ate dinner, fell asleep, woke up, loaded up my dogs and made off for the harbor posthaste! Three short days later, I arrived to see the silhouette of a man standing atop a schooner, The Gilded Swine. “This must be the lodestar!” I said aloud.

I ran to meet him, and called to him in the most-friendly manner, addressing him in the Greenland language, which, to my inexpressible joy, he understood. We began conversing at once! As it turned out, there was no more a Mexican Burrowing Ice Snake than there was a Yeti, and no, that man was not Andrew Finley, though in retrospect, he kinda looked like him. In the midst of my tale-swapping with Not-Andrew Finley, we were besieged by ice pirates on ice skates seeking to plunder what I can only guess was ice booty! Their leader, a ferocious rapscallion bearing little more than a beard, eye patch, billowy blouse and said ice skates, was Andrew Finley.

He stabbed me, but in a nice way. Eighteen years, seven wives, two continents (there were only two at the time, I believe) and countless sled dogs later, our paths would cross again.

I promise to tell you of that very meeting as soon as I get the gas leak in my study fixed. For now, though, I am sleepy…very…sleepy…must...sleep...

Happy Birthday Andrew Finley, with all the love, reverence and ardor in the world.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

I Love My Miniature Donkey!

Donkeys are just fabulous animals. This is a fact that only the most brazen morons would contest.

It should be noted, then, that miniature donkeys are hardly "miniature fun". They are enormous fistfuls of fun. They gorge at the trough of fun. They literally ooze fun from every orifice. Don't make that face. They do. I've seen it. You see, I have a miniature donkey. And I love that little bastard.

It isn't easy owning a miniature donkey. It's a lot of work. For example, look at these tips:
It is recommended you feed about 1/2 flake of good quality coastal hay every morning and evening when grass is not abundant. This means you must live in an abundantly grassy area, on a hay-laden coast, and know how much a "flake" is. As none of those apply to me, I feed my donkey sand. And Arby's as a treat.

Donkey owners know: DO NOT OVERFEED! DO NOT UNDERFEED! This can be difficult at first, but giving up is not an option. Since miniature donkeys can easily be overfed, they often do not get enough minerals in their meager rations. Minerals can be provided in the form of a lick In addition, loose minerals can be offered free choice or used as a top dressing. I give my donkey plenty of mineral-rich sand so he will be able to pull the miniature cart and plough I had made for him. I farm baby carrots and that can be lots of work for the poor little scamp, so he needs to be "strong like bull"...

Fresh, clean water must be provided at all times. Donkeys don't like dirty or hot water. They also don't like freezing cold water! They love iced tea and Mountain Dew, however. This gets expensive, so I use Mello Yello. My donkey can hardly tell the difference.

You must trim hooves as needed, usually about every two months. You can learn to do this yourself, but it must not be neglected. I home-schooled myself on the art of hoof-trimming. It's pretty easy if you saw really fast and don't mind a few "love kicks".

Vaccinate in the spring and fall for Influenza, Rhinopheumonitis, Eastern, Western, Venezualan and West Nile Encephalomalitis and Strangles. Rabies and Tetanus should be given once a year. These confusing words confuse me, but I'm not intimidated! No squirrels will bite my miniature donkey more than a few times, even when he's wearing his "nut n' honey" outfit! Bring it on!

Lots of people ask me about flies. If a donkey has a full coat, flies don't usually bother them too much. I do have problems with flies on my donkey's legs in the spring. It is recommended you use a salve called "Swat" and cover the areas where the flies are picking on your donkey about twice a week, supplementing those efforts with equine fly spray when necessary. This is what I call "too much information". I try to make my donkey see flies and other egg-laying insects as barnyard friends. It's all in a positive attitude, really.

Lastly, though miniauture donkeys are quite intelligent, they are not as smart as, say, pigeons or books. That is VITAL information. Donkeys, no matter what size CAN drive, however, just not stick-shift. Also, they may not talk or even fly much at first. Be patient and your donkey will become a regular Larry King Poppins! Try staying still for as long as possible in your donkey cape. And don't eat anything for a week or so.

Remember, you cannot love a donkey to death. I've tried and it's impossible. Miniature donkeys thrive on love. And sand and the other stuff I already talked about.

Like I said, STAY POSITIVE and there's nothing you and your magical, miniature donkey cannot accomplish.

You'll soooooooaaaaaaar!

Observation.

Have you noticed all these old people? Those guys are hi-larious!