P. 49 OF THE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

Bereavement leave should only be used for immediate family only: parent, grandparent, spouse, domestic partner, sibling or child. Don’t even waste our time with pets, high school coaches, family friends, inspirational figures, neighbors, acquaintances, mentors, surrogate parents, “best buddies”, etc. If any of the aforementioned expires, we recommend you try not to be such a big pussy and get your ass to work.

The Employee wishing to take time off to grieve for a deceased loved one must prove, in writing, that the deceased is/was someone you truly love (Proof Of Love). If you merely “liked” the departed, feel you “should really go to the funeral”, or wish to “be there for people I care about” you will be charged for time off and ridiculed. Proof Of Love may be verified by submitting a minimum of THREE of the following, signed, dated and stamped by a Notary Public:

- A Valentine’s Day card from the Departed featuring: A puppy (or puppies), a talking heart OR an adorable, fluffy duckling (talking ducklings count as two…we love those little scamps)
- A photo of you and the Deceased kissing WITH TONGUE and/or HEAVY PETTING
- A lock of the Deceased’s hair (if that lock is in a locket, it counts as two)
- A hand-written note from the Deceased, granting you permission to attend their funeral
- A CD and or .mp3 containing a song the Deceased wrote FOR YOU. Lyrical abstractions do not apply. Don’t give us any of that “the wounded bird symbolizes my soul” horseshit. Example: If your name is Henry Smith, the song’s chorus MUST go “Henry Smith, Henry Smith, I La La Love You Henry Smith”, etc. 24-track studio recordings only, please.

Upon receipt of the THREE Proof Of Love documents, the Grande Imperial Council will meet in The Hague and deliberate for the standard 14 days, to be followed by a period of additional deliberation that may, per The Handbook, extend up to an additional 90 days (or three Lunar Months per the Druidic calendar). At that time, Council Members will flip a coin. Heads, you can go and “grieve” or whatever you people do when not working. Tails, you die by hanging. Please consult pg. 77 for hanging regulations.