I Am A Dog Psychic, (A-Be).

Have you ever looked a dog in its soulful, liquid eyes and wondered, hey, what’s that dog thinking? I haven’t. I am a Dog Psychic.

Much like a dog dressed up like a cat dressed up like a pregnant nun for Halloween, I have found my “gift” to be equal parts blessing and curse. There are times at which I don’t want to know what a dog is thinking and would rather concentrate on, say, eating my sandwich in peace instead of clotting my mind with swirling doggy thoughts. For this reason, I only dine at restaurants with strict anti-dog policies. And always away from windows, which naturally, dog thoughts pass through as if the glass were cheesecloth.

Regardless, like all great “gifts”, mine was meant to share. Please enjoy the below dog thoughts by breed. You may be surprised at what “Man’s Best Friend” is thinking…

AIREDALE TERRIER:
Think mostly about squirrels and their delicious tails.

AKITA:
Think in Japanese.

ALASKAN MALAMUTE:
Self-centered, so usually about themselves.

AMERICAN FOXHOUND:
Mostly think about dog food commercials, which they apparently feel are unrealistic.
And foxes. Always foxes.

AUSTRALIAN CATTLE DOG:
You’d guess Australian cattle. You’d be wrong.

BASSET HOUND:
Pipe smoking. At one point all Basset Hounds must have been pipe-smokers, and now they miss it terribly.

BEAGLE:
The Travesty That Is Snoopy. Beagles tried for many decades to assassinate the Late C. Schulz, always in vain. His work remains an obsession of the breed. Schulz may be dead, but anytime “Peanuts” is read, a beagle somewhere is howling in grief, baying at the moon of his incessant memory.