A Trip To The Zoo (So To Speak)

The Hypothetical Zoo Chaperone Guide

On behalf of the Hypothetical Zoo, thank you for your group’s decision to conduct a real, non-hypothetical field trip to us. Please abide by all the suggestions given to you below.

Some Specific Pointers To Enhance Your Group’s Visit To The Hypothetical Zoo

1. Children learn best when they are in a safe environment, even
in the abstract sense. We believe that feeling safe is BEING safe here, as actual safety is guaranteed due to the complete lack of animals, dangerous or otherwise. Make sure the kids know that they must stay with you and listen to you, no matter how intriguing the conjectural animals around them “are."

2. During the visit, it is very important that the children respect each other, the adults in their group, the other visitors to the zoo, and of course the notional animals that could feasibly exist here (but do not). Remind the individuals in your group to treat the would-be animals, were there to be any, with the same respect they like to have.

3. Get them to sit down quietly and watch the completely animal-free landscape whenever possible. Explain that many animals need to be camouflaged in their environment and encourage them to try to find the animals in all exhibits, all the while reminding them that all attempts at searching will be fruitless. Some exhibits may be more challenging than others, such as the Chimerical Reptile Building, which is not only animal-free, but as a near-airless cinder block box, unable to support life of any variety in the first place.

Safety Of Students And Animals

1. The zoo is a peaceful haven for imaginary animals and imagining yet not-at-all-imaginary people alike. Loud noises and running are upsetting to everyone. We also ask that people do not chase the not-really-there birds or tap on the very-much-there glass. Tell your students that this is the animals’ only home, were they real and needed one, ostensibly, and the animals need to feel safe here, in the event that they possessed feelings at all, which they unquestionable do not.

2. Please make sure the students know not to feed the animals or throw anything into their enclosures. The animals are not fed special diets to maintain their good health, but would be, if they were living things instead of figments of our imagination.

3. The animals in the exhibits would be wild. They most-likely would not be pets and most would bite. Quite hard, we would guess. Visitors should keep their hands out of the exhibits and should never throw anything at the animals, or at the vacuous negative space that they believe to be occupied by an animal. If they believe they are throwing things at animals, remind them that there will be no response, as there are no animals. Then reprimand them.

4. Remind the students that they need to be aware of how their behavior affects each other, the animals and the other visitors.

5. Leaving the zoo with a souvenir can extend the child's experience, but remember that gift shop visits by school groups must be supervised.

Thanks again. Enjoy your visit. For real.