Things To Hate, Vol. I

Everyone needs hate. It's healthy. It helps release anger through microscopic "hate holes" that pepper your dermal layer. It also gives you somewhere to put that anger. No, not up your butt, Mister Hateypants! Hate is the place anger goes when it grows up, like finishing school for negativity. It’s collegiate in its emotional learnedness. Seriously, I once heard a guy with glasses and a beard refer to hate as the “smartest emotion”. It makes you grow inside AND out. I’ve seen people grow up to two full inches and put on 10-20 lbs. of rock-solid muscle from a steady regimen of country-fried hate. Hate makes you look better, too. It outperformed the leading teeth whitening gel in laboratory tests. It tastes better than candy corn but has negative fat and no calories. It flattens your abs. It clears your pock-marked skin. It's proven to give your hair a rich, flaxen sheen. You'll look like a Pantene commercial, I swear.

So now that we agree on the “weight-in-gold” worth and gem-like beauty of hate, what’s worth hating? You can’t go around town flinging your hate towards just anything like some slut. Of hate. You need to find those items, objects, talismans, amulets, celebrities and foodstuffs that practically BEG to be hated. They need to want it more than you want to want them to want it.

In the coming days, I will populate this page with some things I hate. Mind these are only thought-starters. You have to own your own hate. Or I’ll hate you for it.